Soulmates
by Pancakes8.9
Summary: What happens to Spencer and Toby after the tragic events of the season 7 summer finale? A Spoby Fanfiction. I'm not very talented at writing summaries, so you have to read it to find out, if you like it or not. ;-)
1. Chapter 1

**Hey guys! :)**

 **Sooo, this is my first fanfiction ever. This idea struck me after I watched the summer finale. Besides I was inspired by the concept of the film "If I stay" and the fanfiction "Collateral Damage" by choose joy xox. But it's also kind of different, you will see in the next chapters.**

 **Please note that I'm not a native speaker but I try my best to write grammatical correct sentences in English. Furthermore I had some problems with converting the file. I'm really sorry if the format is not as it's supposed to be!**

 **Spoiler Alert: If you haven't watched seasons 1 to 7, you should not read this.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Pretty Little Liars or the wonderful characters Sara Shepard and I. Marlene King created.**

* * *

 **Toby POV**

We are on our way out of Rosewood. Yvonne and I are silently driving in my new truck. It's not like I don't like the new one, it's just simply not the truck Spencer gave me, when we were still in high school. A sad smile spreads across my face, as my mind wanders to her and the kiss we shared this afternoon. _Spencer_.

Honestly, right now I'm starting to regret my decision of leaving. Especially after the things that transpired between me and Spencer this afternoon, I can't stop thinking about her. It was one hell of a kiss. It was so familiar and nonetheless so new and exciting. I mean, why did she kiss me like _that_? The whole thing felt like we travelled back in time. If Spencer hadn't stopped it, I'm almost positive that I wouldn't have been able to restrain myself. But does she still have romantic feelings for me? _No, Toby, snap out of it, she's probably dating detective Furey at the moment. You even offered to give him some advice on the matter._ However something deep inside me began to stir again. It probably has always been there, maybe I just became better at denying and hiding it.

Right now I'm confused. Spencer was my first love and perhaps it's normal. You'll presumably always have feelings for your first love. Though being jealous first of Caleb and then of Marco, because he wants to protect her and date her like I did all those years ago? The feeling of heartbreak as I watched her sad expression, when we said goodbye? An increasing heartrate and butterflies while exchanging salvia? The tingling sensation she left on my lips? The tears I shed right after she turned around? Who am I kidding?

Yet on the other hand there's Yvonne. She's always been so kind and faithful to me and I made the promise to spend the rest of my life with her. I feel a pang of guilt. I cheated on her. And not just with any woman. She didn't want to become second choice. However now that's exactly what she is. And if I'm being completely honest with myself she always was. She deserves better than that.

Spencer's my soulmate, she's the one. _Come on, for gods sake Toby, you built her a freaking house! How could you be so stupid and not accept that sooner?_ Well, I know why. Like Spencer always said, hope breeds eternal misery and I tried to move on. I wish I had stopped Spencer from leaving, while I still had the chance to do so. What am I thinking, if I could, I would go back in time and slap my 20 year old self for breaking up with her in the first place. All she needed was some time and space to work out her PTSD. Who could have blamed her after all that she's been through? And stupid me could not see, that this wasn't a "no" to a future with me and maybe children. She was just not able deal with the prospect of a future, after being tortured for so long. Surviving day by day and not thinking further, taking one step at a time, was difficult enough for her at that time. And on top of it the angst of possibly taking care of another human being and accompanied with it another loss of control for your own life. This would have cracked anyone. _Why didn't I realize it back then? How could I have been so stupid?_ Driving through the streets of Rosewood, my thoughts drift back to the night I told Spencer she'll never be alone, not even for a second. I broke that promise again and again. Guilt washed over me.

The closer we come to the outskirts of Rosewood, the more uncomfortable I feel. At least, I finally have made up my mind. I decide to break up with Yvonne rather now than later. However my internal struggle does not go unnoticed by Yvonne and she beats me to the punch by bringing up the touchy subject herself. "Toby, I'll just ask you one last time and I want you to be completely honest with me. Are you 100% sure you want to leave town with me? Because I'm not willing to be anything less than the most important woman in your life." _It's now or never, Toby._ "Yvonne, I'm sorry...It's not... I, I..." I stutter. "That's what I thought! It's because of Spencer, isn't it?"she asks, starring daggers at me.

Before I can answer her question, my handy signals me I have a new message. She looks down at the bright screen and angrily blinks away her tears. That's when I realize what it is. It's a picture of me and Spencer kissing this afternoon.

 **You never get away with lies, don't you know by now? If you think I make leaving easy for you after you uncovered my false identity, you underestimate me, Toby. Tell her or I will. And just so you know, two-timing Bitches get burried in Rosewood. - A.D.**

"I can't believe you're doing this to me! Why did you even propose? You know what, we're done Toby!" she huffs enraged and throws the ring into my lap. "And who the hell is A.D.?" Speechless, I open and close my mouth like a fish in the water.

Suddenly I have a new feeling in my gut and it has nothing to do with the break-up. I feel concerned and anxious and the feeling soon turns into sheer panic. My heart starts racing and my palms are sweaty. At first I don't understand why, but then it hits me. There's something terribly wrong. Right as we are about to pass the "You are leaving Rosewood"-sign, I feel a stabbing pain in my chest. "Spencer" I mumble right before it all becomes a blur of blinding lights, honking, Yvonne's screams and crashing sounds. And then everything went black.

* * *

I wake up to the sound of an approaching siren and the flashing of red and blue lights. Despite the hard impact, I don't feel any pain. I slowly take in my surroundings. The truck seems to be wrapped around a tree and there's blood everywhere.

I see the arrived parademics taking care of Yvonne and calmly giving orders to each other."She is stable for now!" one of them says. The other one replies: "I know. It's the back injury that worries me. The poor thing might be paralyzed. We have to be careful while putting her on a stretcher!"

 _Oh my god! What have I done?_ I can hardly bear the thought that Yvonne might possibly be unable to walk because of me. While I blame myself for the accident, another man in his 40's asks the doctor to look after the driver. "I'm okay!" I whisper, as I cautiously step out of the car. No one really seems to notice me and when I look down, I seem totally fine. That's why my heart almost does a backflip, when I see the doctor run past me to the drivers side and I see myself sitting there with my head lying over the steering wheel and covered in blood. _What's going on? Is this all just a dream? Am I dead?_ I start to wonder, as I hear the doctor shout. "It's barely there, but we have a pulse. Hurry up, we have to bring him to the hospital immediately!"

* * *

 **Spencer POV**

I hit the ground before I feel any pain. As it slowly begins to sink in that I was shot merely a moment ago, I start to panic and I barely manage to breath. So this is it, I'm going to die. I'm almost sure of it. My mind begins to wander to the only person, who I wish was here right by my side. I'm sure a dreamy smile flashes across my face at the thought of him and our last kiss. _Toby._

At least I got the chance to say goodbye to him. I know I shouldn't have kissed him. _He is engaged for Pete's sake, Spencer!_ I just couldn't resist. While we kissed, it was like fireworks exploded inside my chest. I finally felt at home again. Something I didn't feel for a very long time. Maybe it's because Toby is my soulmate and he's the one for me. For a split second I was under the impression Toby felt it too and he wanted to go in for another kiss. However I probably just imagined things, since he didn't. Honestly it cost all of my willpower to pull back, even though I knew this was so wrong. I corrupted the most honest and loyal person in this world to cheat on his fiancé. Nevertheless I have to admit I kind of hoped he would stop me from leaving. But then again, you know what they say about hope, it breeds eternal misery. And I didn't want to ruin everything for him again. I always do that. Messing up, pushing the people away that I love the most.

I hear Jennas voice and panic strikes me again. I gasp for air. All I can think of now is the memory of Toby's beautiful voice and his ability to even out my breathing and ground me when times were rough. The soothing words he once told me play on a loop in my head: "The only thing I want you to know is that you're not alone, not even for a second." _But where is Toby now?_ Once again, this thought is extremely selfish of me. _He is presumably better off, if he doesn't have to see you pass away, Spencer, especially after all he went through with his mom._ I mentally scold myself. Besides, I already know the answer to this rhetoric question. _Toby is with Yvonne, because you sent him away, you cretin, duh._ At least Toby is safe now. _That's all that matters, right?_ _And he is happy, Spencer. Without you._ This thought almost kills me. As a matter of fact, it hurts more than the bullet I currently have in my chest right above my heart.

Another wave of panic washes over me as I keep thinking of Toby. Something seems off. I cannot quite pinpoint what it is, as a sudden pain aches through my heart. Then I realize it. "Toby!" I murmur softly. The next thing I see is the blurry figure of Mary Drake who appears above me. She puts her hand on my gunshot wound and tries to hush me with a song. Distantly, I hear the girls shrieking my name. Then out of the blue Mary confesses that I'm her daughter. I should be more shocked, but somehow I had this strange feeling for a while now. Nonetheless my eyes widen and I stare into her blue eyes. They remind me of Toby and that's the last person I think of as I slowly fade away and darkness consumes me.

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 **Thank you sooo much for reading it! I hope you like it! :-)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey there! :)**

 **It's me again. Please note, that Yvonne is Tobys ex-fiancé, I changed that in the first chapter.**

 **Enjoy! :)**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Pretty Little Liars.**

* * *

 **Toby POV**

I silently watch as the parademics put my unconscious self on the stretcher. Not that they would be able to hear me anyway. Climbing into the vehicle, I hear them giving instructions to each other. "I need the defibrillator, we lose him!" the doctor shouts. "100! Charge!" the man in the 40's replies. "Nothing!" states the doctor. "Let's try again!" commands the man. "200! Come on, dude! Fight! You're too young to die, there's always someone to live for!" encourages the doctor. Ironically I'm not worried at all about the actual possibility that I might die. At the moment, I'm just glad the doctor is not Wren.

The doctor is right about one thing though, there is someone special worth fighting for. But it's not my ex-fiancé Yvonne. It's not that I didn't try to love Yvonne as much as _her_. Because I truly did try, I simply couldn't. Yvonne deserves better than that. I know that now. All the horrible things I put her through since Spencer came back from D.C.. The trailer incident, the cheating and the car crash, where she probably lost her ability to walk forever. Yvonne deserves someone who loves her unconditionally. Right now, I feel pretty much ashamed of myself. Okay, perhaps I did not do it on purpose. I really wanted it to work and talked myself into it. Although let's face it, I knew deep down, perfect only exists with one person for me. However, I have lost this very person a long time ago. _Damn! When did my live become so messed up?_

While the parademics reanimated me, I wondered what difference it would make, if I really died. _Yvonne wouldn't miss me, after what I've done to her. Where my father is concerned, we never really got along after my mom died. Besides, there a so many things I did wrong. And even though Spencer told me today I deserve love more than anyone else, I don't think I do. Maybe I'm not supposed to be happy, not in the long run anyway. Well, there was a time, I truly was on top of the world. This time ended abruptly, when Spencer and I decided to go our separate ways. Today, I'm still madly in love with her. But it doesn't matter, Toby! Spencer moved on, hasn't she? She wouldn't be too sad, if I died, would she? On the other hand, the last time she believed I was dead she was admitted to Radley, of course it would matter to her…_ Feeling guilty, I sigh frustrated, while they rush me into the hospital with the faintest of heartbeats. It's still touch and go.

* * *

Shortly after we arrived at the hospital, I remember, why the car crash occurred in the first place: I was worried sick about Spencer. They check me in, in order to bring me to the E.R.. On the way to a free E.R. room, I see something else which only feeds my anxiety. Hanna, Emily and Aria are sitting in the waiting room at the entrance, looking distressed with their puffy red rimmed eyes and smeared mascara from crying. Next to them sits a distraught looking Mary Drake with bloody hands. _What the hell happened and more important, where is Spencer?_

Emily lifts her head, while they roll my stretcher by. "Oh my gosh, guys, that's Toby!" she utters shocked and with a cracked voice. "What's going on? First Spencer, now Toby? Do you think…?" Hanna adds. "A.D.?" Aria interrupts and they shoot each other a questioning look.

I don't wait for their conversation to finish. As they cannot see me anyway it makes no sense to linger around. I leave and search the E.R. desperately for Spencer. "Please, be okay, Spence!" I mutter frantically. It does not take me long until I find her. Good Lord. She looks so pale and as if all live is drained out of her. Still she is the most beautiful woman I have ever laid my eyes on. She has a shotgun wound right above her heart and the doctors in the E.R. state the loss of a large amount of blood. Despite the fact that she cannot see me or feel my touch, I place my hand above hers and whisper encouraging words in her ear. Silent tears trickle down my face.

They have to reanimate her two times, before she's stable enough for the surgery. When they bring her to the operation room, I exit the room and lean against the wall, before I collapse on the floor. I hold my face in my hand and start sobbing. That's when I recognize a whiff of a familiar scent and I sense a light tap on my shoulder. _This can't be possible, can it?_

* * *

 **Spencer POV**

I wake up to a blinding light and I can barely open my eyes. My vision slowly starts to clear. I realize that I'm not lying on the floor anymore. Instead I'm standing in the middle of a hospital hallway. I peer down and see myself on a stretcher. There's an oxygen mask on my face and around me, parademics hurry to fill in the doctors who rush me to a free E.R.. There is so much blood everywhere. I hear them talking, but I can't make sense out of the words. No one seems to notice me and I swear a nurse just ran right through me. _What the hell is going on here? If this is heaven it's rather depressing. Or have I finally managed to become completely cray cray now, as Mona put it so nicely a few years ago?_

I look on helplessly as they try to reanimate me. I start wondering, if it really matters if I survive or not. Let's face the facts here. _My whole life is a lie. My parents and sister are not my real family and honestly they never really acted like one either. My birthmother had to give me away as a baby and my dead sister tormented me while I was in high school. Even today I still suffer from the torture I had to endure at that time. And the nightmare is probably never going to end. We still receive life threatening messages. So why not end it now? Besides, I'm a complete failure, a broken mess. I'm unable to protect my friends, I lost my job and much, much worse I pushed away the one person that made my life tolerable, happy even, besides my friends: Toby._ I know it's selfish, but I miss him so much. I'm still so in love with him, but he chose Yvonne. Who can blame him? She is definitely less drama. And maybe that's what I deserve. I'm just not a good person, especially to him. I mean, I handed Ali the lighter, I'm the reason he was in Juvie. I cheated on Toby with Jonny and Colin. I lied to him and treated him like shit. And he had several accidents because of me.

The word accident creates a feeling of angst in the pit of my stomach. I step outside my E.R. room and go into the empty E.R. room next to mine where I settle down on the floor. I don't know how long I sit there. Suddenly the double doors fly open and they bring a young man with tousled light brown hair inside. My heart does a double take, when I identify the face of the man. I would recognize it in the dark, because I traced his well-defined, beautiful face so many times with my fingers and memorized each and every perfect imperfection. I know it off by heart, even now when it's heavily scared and covered in blood. "Good gracious, Toby!" I panic and run over to his side. Without actually touching him, I caress his hand, while the doctors fervently try to save his life. I silently pray that he will make it. The doctors say something about a car accident on the outskirts of Rosewood and it occurs to me that it's all my fault. I wanted him happy and save and but obviously I achieved the exact opposite.

 _What did I do?_ And then my mind is back at the dollhouse. _What did you make me do?_ I can't take it anymore. I feel sick and exit the room hastily in a feeble attempt to calm down. That's when I see a crying figure crouched down on the floor. _But it cannot be, can it? What is wrong with me? I must be batshit crazy to even think that._ _Well, ther is only one way to find out._ I slowly approach the person and hesitantly reach out with my shaking hand.

* * *

 **...to be continued**

 **Thanks for reading! I hope you like it! :)**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hey guys! :)**

 **Thank you very much for your kind reviews. Here's a new chapter for you.**

 **I'm not 100% happy, how things play out here, because honestly, the Toby of the first few seasons would never have let Spencer go in the first place. He would have fought for her and he would have waited etc.. But in seasons 6 B and 7 A, he kind of chooses the cowards way and I have to keep parts of it here to make it fit.**

 **Besides I like to take things slow, so be patient. :)**

 **Enjoy!**

* * *

 **Toby POV**

I look up and I can't believe my eyes. "Spence?" I whisper. _How is that even possible?_ I mean, they just brought her upstairs to surgery and still she's standing right in front of me, completely unharmed. Even in her simple clothes and with tears in her eyes she's looking more breathtaking than ever.

"Toby? Oh my god!" she slides down beside me and I immediately envelope her small shaking frame in my arms. Spencer wraps her arms tightly around my neck. While she's silently crying into my shirt, I draw small circles on her back. "Shhh, everything will be okay, Spence. Shhh…" I try to comfort her and find comfort myself as I get lost in the feeling of her touch. Now is definitely not the time to think about it, but _god_ did I miss her. As I hug her more tightly and take in her familiar scent, she nuzzles her head closer to my chest. I can't help the small smile that spreads across my face.

After some time passes, she breaks herself free from my hug and stares into my eyes. "How do you know, if everything will be fine, Toby? I don't even understand what's going on here! Are we dead? Are we in heaven? Or is this just some damn scary nightmare? Have I finally gone completely nuts? I –" She panics and begins to hyperventilate.

In order to shush her, I put my pointer finger on her mouth. "Spence, you need to calm down, okay?" I softly grab her shoulders and slowly caress them with my thumbs. "Spence, look at me. Relax. Take a deep breath. I'm right here with you."

* * *

 **Spencer POV**

His simple gestures always ease my mind and my breathing instantly starts to even out. Every second I stare into his beautiful ocean blue eyes, I become calmer. I don't quite understand why, but he always has this effect on me.

"Besides Spencer, if we really are in heaven, you're at least stuck with this handsome and I dare say quite well-built guy right in front of you and that's not too bad, is it?" Grinning mischievously, he chuckles slightly and winks at me. _Is he actually just flirting with me?_ The thought of it makes me blush and I imagine his rock-hard abs underneath my fingertips. _Mind out of the gutter, Hastings!_ I scold myself.

"And let's face it, it could be so much worse. Just imagine being stuck here with someone other than me – like Furey for example. Ewww…" Toby adds and due to the poorly concealed pained look on his face, I assume it's only meant half-jokingly. _Wait a sec, is he jealous of Furey? Hmm, this afternoon, I kind of had the same impression. Could it be…? No Spence, don't get your hopes up, it only breed eternal misery._ Laughing at his joke and his cute insecurity, my face turns red again and I swat his chest playfully.

Despite the peace that washes over me, while I'm sitting here laughing with him, my heartrate begins to quicken like I'm a lovesick teenager, as coffee brown meets ocean blue. Unconsciously, I slowly start to lean in, never leaving his gaze. We are only a few inches apart now. It's like a déjà vu of the events which took place this afternoon. My brown eyes dart from his blue ones to his full lips and back again.

The sound of an opening door snaps me out of my trance, before I can do something stupid like kissing him. I pull back disappointed. _Get a grip Spencer, he is not yours anymore._

It's the door of the E.R. I came out of a while ago. I watch as the doctors bring a pale looking Toby to the elevator for surgery. _Isn't it wonderful, how the cruelness of reality hits you like a ton of bricks sometimes?_ He's hooked up on several machines. I recognize a lung ventilator. Obviously he is not able to breath on his own and it scares the shit out of me. "I'm really petrified, Toby."

"I know, me too." He sighs and takes my small hand in his.

"Toby, what the hell happened, after I left you this afternoon?" I ask determined to find out what's going on here and the words Toby once said to me echo through my head. _"You know, that was always one of the things I loved most about you. Your tenacity." Loved as in past tense. Concentrate, Spencer. Now!_

"Well, after you said goodbye, I just stood there and didn't know what to think of it..." At this very moment he seems to find his shoe laces quite interesting. Nevertheless there is no room for misinterpretation this time. His sudden change of behavior does not cover his beet red face, on the contrary, it only underlines his shyness and embarrassment for being truthful. _After all this time, I can still read some of his actions like an open book. We might have grown up, but some things never change. Damn, he is so cute right now._ For the second time this evening, I have the urge to lung forward and kiss him. _Focus, Spence!_

"… I went back to packing up the rest of our stuff. We were about to head out and Yvonne asked me, if it's difficult to leave the house behind. It got me thinking and when she went inside to grab some sandwiches, I started typing a text for you. I-I... I was just so confused Spence." He confesses. Toby looks up at me with searching eyes and runs his hand nervously through his gelled up hair.

"But I never received a text…" I start, however he interrupts me and continues with his story.

"Yeah, I kind of chickened out... Again." As I examine him closely, I can see he is not sure, if he should elaborate things further right now. Of course, very Spencer-ish of me, I want to know exactly what he means, but he proceeds before I can act on the impulse.

"Anyways, we drove through Rosewood and I -" He takes a deep breath before he phrases his next thoughts. "I questioned all my recently made life decisions. Leaving Rosewood with Yvonne, while A. D. is still out there threatening _you_ \- and the rest of the girls?" he adds hastily and looks back down. "Marrying a woman who will _always_ be second choice to me, no matter what I do? And… I guess, I felt guilty about cheating, too." He admits defeated.

"I'm sorry, that's all my fault…I knew it was wrong, but…" I bite my lip and lower my gaze to the floor.

"No Spencer, it's okay. I could have stopped you, but I didn't." Toby says weakly and just squeezes my hand reassuringly.

Then he goes on with his narration. "Anyhow, I decided I should break up with Yvonne. Somehow she must have sensed my change in my mood, since she started the topic. I told her I'm sorry and she asked me if….if it was because of you." The last part is barely audible and he sneaks ag lance at me. "Then A.D. sent me a text with a photo of us kissing. Yvonne saw it and hell broke loose. She got mad and ended things between us, not that I can complain. After that, everything happened so fast. Next thing I know, the truck is wrapped around a tree and there are parademics everywhere, tending to Yvonne and me. And me? I'm watching everything from the outside, like I'm dead or something. And honestly, I probably deserve it for being a coward and a cheater and for stringing her along all this time. For heavens sake she might be paralyzed and it's all my fault! Not to mention that I left you alone and now you're shot!" He finishes, clearly frustrated with himself. Then he laughs bitterly wthout a trace of humor and covers his face with his hands.

His story leaves me completely shocked and speechless for a moment. I try to process everything, he just told me. The break up, the text and his last thoughts. My mind is spinning and a bunch of new questions keep popping up in my head. _Did he break up with her because of me? How can he even think he deserves death? What happened to Yvonne?_

"Toby?" I say cautiously as I find my ability to speak again. I take his hands of his face and cup it with my own. His eyes are glassy and it reminds me painfully of the day we met each other again in a certain motel room.

"I'm sorry, Spencer. I promised you , that you'll never be alone." He whispers apologetically, while dodging my glance.

"Toby, please look at me!" I plead and he does. "Listen, it's okay, I told you to leave. I wanted you to stay safe. And what occured to me tonight... you could never have prevented it. Besides, don't you ever dare to say you deserve to be dead, do you hear me? You are the kindest most genuine and caring person I know. You deserve to be happy and I meant what I said to you this afternoon with every fiber of my heart." I stare at him intently.

"Furthermore, it was never your intention to hurt Yvonne. You just tried to move on and it's not that you didn't love her at all. It just didn't measure up to… to… I fully understand, I… " I sigh. "Look, you never meant any harm. It's just hard… And the accident? It is not your fault. You didn't do it on purpose!" With my thumbs I brush away the falling tears of his sad looking face and he nods silently, but does not seem to be entirely convinced. So I try a different approach. "What's more, you don't know, if she is really paralyzed, do you? Don't beat yourself up, if you haven't checked the facts yet."

"You think we should check up on her?" He asks perplexed and I nod slowly. "But I don't think she wants to see me of all people…"

"Well, it's not as if she is able to see you anyway, right?" Slightly laughing, I roll my eyes. I ruffle his hair lovingly, before I can stop myself. Suddenly feeling very self-conscious, I stand up awkwardly. I recover fast and flash him an encouraging smile while reaching out my hand for him to take it. "What are you waiting for, let's go, Tobes!"

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 **Thanks for reading and reviewing! :)**


	4. Chapter 4

**Hey guys! :)**

 **So, this is the next chapter, I hope you enjoy it!**

 **The next chapters are already written, buuut I'm not quite sure, how far it goes, while Toby and Spencer are in this "In-between-life-and-death state". Which means, you are very welcome to state your opinion, if they should like just talk, or kiss , or make out or even more? Just let me know. :)**

* * *

 **Toby POV**

 _"Tobes"_ I haven't heard this nickname in ages and I could never get tired of it. Not of her saying it in her raspy voice, anyway. Especially not after she ruffled my hair _oh so_ affectionately. My heart instantly begins to melt and I'm sure I would do _anything_ she asks me to do right now, no matter what it is. _If I am not already dead, someday this woman will definitely be the death of me._

Incredulously, I shake my head and stand up. I take her hand with no intention of releasing it anytime soon and follow her lead. Here we go again. Tenacious Spencer is back and she has that gorgeous determined look on her face. I watch her dreamily as she drags me along, every once in a while tugging on my hand, while searching for the nurses station. _God, I love her so much._ I guess the only reason why I did not kiss her yet, is the fact that she's probably with Furey now. _On the other hand, didn't she lean in to kiss me, before the E.R. door opened? Yeah, good old imagination. Presumably because you wanted it to happen, dude. Don't kid yourself._

But maybe Furey is just another excuse for me to be a coward. The real reason goes much deeper. _I'm scared. Terrified even._ Not of her love for me. Or of me loving her. Love was never the problem. _I'm terrified of the mere possibility of losing her. Again._ Spencer has the ability to fix me, to heal my heart and put my broken pieces together. At the same time she is the only person who can tear me apart with one blink of an eye, intended or not. I barely survived last time. I was a broken shell of myself, hardly existing. Losing her was like losing my mother all over again. Maybe that's why I keep my guards up. I don't want to get hurt like _that_. _Ever_ _again_. It would destroy me.

Things with Yvonne were different. Kind of easy. Sure, I liked her a lot, but it wasn't true love. I thought it was, but now I know better. That's why it doesn't hurt so much, now that we are over. In some aspects, she was very similar to Spencer, but she could _never ever_ measure up to her. No one can, because she's the one for me. However, all of my anxieties left aside, I know Spencer deserves better than me. She deserves someone who can keep his promises, someone who is able to protect her and someone who doesn't bring her life in danger. _Unlike me._

At the same time I know I can't resist her. I crave her love more than anything in the world and I would give all I have to keep her forever. _And isn't life about taking risks?_ Like the first time I kissed her. I could have lost her as a friend altogether, if she wouldn't have been interested. Instead, I won her heart.

While my thoughts wander, I unconsciously intertwine our fingers. Spencer shoots me a curious glance, but does not say anything. Suddenly aware of my previous action, I blush slightly. _Smooth, Cavanaugh._ I try to think of a way to untangle my fingers preferably unnoticed from hers. But that's probably as useless as were her feeble attempts to untangle herself unseen from me, when we slept together in that motel room to spy on Jenna. As if reading my mind, she only tightens her grip. This way, she silently tells me she refuses to let go of my hand. Now it's my turn to become curious. _Why? Is it a friendly gesture or more?_

We walk further along the hospital halls in order to find Yvonnes room. Spencer managed to get a look on the computer at the nurses station a few minutes ago, so we just have to find the right room number now. We come to a halt in front of her door and Spencer encourages me: "It's a normal room and this is not the ICU. It will be fine, Toby! Do you want me to tag along?" This time, I'm the one who tightens the grip, which means: _"Don't you dare to go anywhere else right now."_ She just nods understandingly and opens the door. _That's simply the way it is with us. We don't always need words._

Inside the small hospital room, Yvonne is sleeping on the bed. Her mom is pacing and talking on the cellphone in a hushed whisper. Her husband seems to be on the other end of the line. "At first they were afraid she might be paralyzed, but they have run several tests and she can move her legs. So everything will be fine, honey. I know, I know… A concussion, a back injury, some bruises and a sprained ankle. But it could have been so much worse… Yes dear, thank god!"

I listen intently and let out a huge sigh of relief. "Oh my god, did you hear that Spence?"

"Actually, I was reading her medical chart…" She smirks smugly with a twinkle in her eyes. "But see, everything is okay, Toby!"

I just stare at her, completely dumbfounded. This woman really _never_ ceases to amaze me, since the very first day she showed up at my porch and metaphorically pulled the rug out from under me to sweep me of my feet. With an amused smile playing on her face, she let's go of my hand and gives me a huge bear hug instead. It probably lasts much longer than it should, but obviously neither of us wants it to end. My heart pounds like 200 beats per minute against my ribcage. I'm almost positive, Spencer is feeling the sudden increase of my heartrate, too. I kiss her crown and wrap my arms around her more tightly. _"Why is it so easy to fall back into old habits?"_ Her words replay in my head and I reluctantly pull back from the embrace.

"It was the other drivers fault. A drunk teen, he has some broken bones, but other than that, he is alright... Yeah, well Toby is still in surgery. It doesn't look good, no…. I don't understand why they broke up, Yvonne wouldn't tell me. Still, I hope he will make it out alive. …. Yeah, maybe they work it out. He is a good young man…." Mrs. Philipps continues talking.

Feeling ashamed, I look at Spencer and see tears trickling down her cheeks. She quickly wipes them away and tries to hide the fact that she's been crying, but I see it anyway. It hurts me almost physically to watch her being so sad and helpless. I put my arm around her shoulder and guide her out of the room to the next set of waiting chairs in front of the nurses station nearby.

"Spence? What is it?" I ask concerned, while rubbing her shoulder in a comforting way.

"I- I… You can't Toby, you just can't. I can't do this a second time. I-I…." Her voice cracks and she starts to sob uncontrollably. _This is about my fake death and all the things I put her through. It nearly drove her to insanity. **I** nearly drove her to insanity. She was in Radley because of me. Just because I wasn't honest to her in the first place._ Guilt washes over me.

At once I pull her in into my shoulder, knowing perfectly well, there is nothing I can say or do to make it better. But after a while sitting there in silence and clinging onto each other, I decide to say something. "Spence, I promise, I will fight…for _you_. I'll try my best and I won't give up. And if…." I can't say it, so I just swallow the lump in my throat and continue. "All I want you to know is that I'm _always_ right there. Right in _your heart_ , where I belong." I point at her heart and she sniffles, uttering a small laugh. Then she looks up at me.

"Why do you _always_ have to be so _damn_ sappy in moments like this, Cavanaugh? Where do you even get those lines? Right out of a Nicolas Sparks movie, huh?" She smiles sadly and wipes away her tears. "You're amazing, you know that, right? And don't let _anyone else_ tell you anything different!"

"Oh, I guess it's you, who brings the sappy side out of me." I reply earnestly. "And thank you for the compliment by the way, right back at you." I grin at her and kiss her temple before I lean back and rest my cheek on her head.

Out of the corner of my eye something or better _someone_ catches my eye. It's Marco Furey and he seems almost - _furious_. I chuckle at the bad choice of my own words. "What?" Spencer asks confused until she follows my gaze.

* * *

 **Spencer POV**

"Nothing." Toby answers, smiling innocently. " I guess _the boyfriend_ has finally arrived and he doesn't look happy at all. Maybe it's because you snuck out and got shot, but it's just a guess." He shrugs.

I shoot Toby a glare. "Marco is _NOT_ my boyfriend, okay!" I snap angrily at his accusations and ignore the rest. "It was _just one_ kiss on the cheek!" Nevertheless I blush slightly as I remember the embarrassing things that happened between Marco and me at the Radley's. "And a drunk moment." I mutter under my breath.

"Sorry, what was the last part? And come on Spence, you can be honest with me. I know you two are dating. He even asked me for advice. By the way, concluding from the dreamy look on his face while he asked me, he's totally into you. What have you done to the poor guy?" Toby teases with a boyish grin.

I just want to wipe the _damn_ smirk of his face, but then two things occur to me at the same time. _So it was him! He still remembers the things I liked back when we were together. God, I love him. And-_ "Hang on, you are jealous of Marco, aren't you?" I state bluntly and nudge him playfully.

" _Me_? Yeah, sure. Let's see, what's _not_ to be jealous about? I mean, the way he has to stretch to kiss his girlfriend. _Oh_ and the fact that he needs advice from your ex-boyfriend to sweep you of your feet. And not to forget, his protective skills, after all you got shot on his duty. _Damn right, I am_." He snorts with laughter and rolls his eyes. He is definitely baiting me with his words and his smirk doesn't help either. I swat him in the chest. _Hard_.

"Ow, Spence, that kind of hurt." He fake gasps and holds his chest. "Just you wait." With a devilish glint in his eyes, he starts to tickle me mercilessly.

"To-by!" I choke, giggling. "Stop it! Pl- ease!" Toby stops tickling me, but he doesn't release me from his grip. We are both laughing and I gasp for air. It cost me all of my willpower to not look into his ocean blues right now. Because I know exactly, if I do, I'm a goner. I set myself free of his hold and press further on the matter, unwilling to let go of the sensitive topic this time. " _Toby Cavanaugh_ , answer my question." I demand sternly.

"Sure, what was it again?" he shrugs, looking at me with his puppy-dog eyes.

"Don't play dumb, it doesn't suit you well. Just answer me, _NOW!_ Or else -!"

"Or else what?" he replies with an amused smile playing on his lips and I stare daggers at him.

"Okay, okay." He lifts his hands up in surrender. "Well, I guess that's for me to know and for you to find out." Satisfied with his answer, he winks at me. I narrow my eyes and attack him half-heartedly with my small fists.

He only laughs at this and catches them both with a swift movement in one of his large calloused hands. Then he does something unexpected, which completely throws me off guard. He leans down to my ear, brushes away my hair and whispers in a low seductive voice. "I would handcuff you, babe, but we are in public. Besides, even though you hated me being a cop, I still remember quite clear as the day, _how much_ of a turn on a uniform is to you." I feel the heat rise to my cheeks as certain memories flash back to my mind, while he continues. "And I also know Furey doesn't wear one most of the time. So hopefully _officer Cavanaugh_ has not _too_ much to be jealous about, has he?" _Damn, he has definitely become a lot more self-confident since high school._

His hot breath is tickling my soft skin and I feel a shiver running down my spine, which gives me goosebumps. My heart skips a beat. I just sit there, completely frozen. For a snatch he lovingly bites on my earlobe and I have to suppress a moan. Then he let's go of me and acts as if nothing happened.

In the meantime I have to try _very_ hard to regain my composure. My knees are weak and I'm glad that I'm already in sitting position. I feel completely intoxicated by his words and actions. That in combination with the whiff of his aftershave that lingers in the air around me nearly drives me insane. _Why does he always have this effect on me? Did he actually just say and do that? In fact, if I'm not dead already, this man will someday definitely be the death of me._ My face is still flushed in a deep shade of red and I can't stop myself from answering his rhetorical question with a barely audible. "No, officer Cavanaugh _definitely_ hasn't." He hears my response anyway and smiles triumphantly.

Gaining back my confidence, I shove him and add. "You're such a tease!" This only causes his ridiculously large goofy grin to widen even more, while his eyes are twinkling.

The peaceful moment is gone, when Furey rushes past us. "Come on, let's see what's going on." Toby gets up and trails behind Furey. When he realizes I'm not following him, he turns around and adds. "What are you waiting for Hastings, last one's a lazy monkey!"

"You're so on, _goofball_." I shout as I run past him. He knows me to well, a Hastings _never_ backs down a challenge. _Leave it to Toby Cavanaugh to make you feel carefree like a small child when times are rough._

* * *

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	5. Chapter 5

**Hey there! :)**

 **Here's a new chapter for you.**

 **You're very welcome to leave a review to let me know what you think about it! :)**

* * *

 **Toby POV**

Spencer, always the competitive one, tries to beat me by all means. However, I win and stick out my tongue. "Well, I guess I kicked your ass again, Spence!" I smirk, my eyes sparkling. She glares at me and opens her mouth determined to argue about it. _Damn, she looks so cute right now. It's times like these, I want to grab her and kiss her, just the way I did in the motel parking lot, when we kissed for the very first time. Argghhh, screw it!_ And without further thinking about the consequences, our undissolved problems or all the things we haven't talked out yet, that's exactly what I do. I take two steps forward, cup her face gently in my hands and crash my lips onto hers in a passionate kiss. This completely takes her by surprise, but after a moment her lips come alive and she kisses back with equal passion. My chest is about to explode, as my heart races speedily. She grasps the collar of my T-Shirt to tug me closer and a low moan escapes my mouth. Just as Spencer is about to use the opportunity of my parted lips to add her tongue to the equation, our sweet moment is interrupted by none other than Marco Furey. His loud bellowing voice echoes through the waiting area of the ICU, because obviously the nurse declines him access to Spencers hospital room. _This dude is really getting on my nerves now._

We both pull back instantly like headless chicken and let go of each other, gasping for air. Blushing wildly, I avoid her probably more than curious gaze. Instead, I watch Marco Furey approach the other girls, who are sitting on a set of chairs in the waiting area. Alison is with them now. But Mary Drake is gone. I wonder where she went… _And why did she have blood on her hands? Did she shoot my Spencer?_

"How is she and what the hell happened?" Furey inquires urgently.

"We actually don't know yet. They brought her down here from surgery, but nobody wanted to tell us anything." Aria replied shakily.

"Her…um…mother…she um… went donating for a blood transfusion a while ago, but we didn't hear anything new since then. She lost a lot of blood…." Emily continues uncomfortably with a small voice. Hanna steps on Emilys foot to stop her from talking, which causes her to hiss quietly in return.

If Furey notices their strange behavior, he doesn't say anything. "I thought her parents are on a cruise? How did her mother get here so fast? And what occurred out there?" He demands impatiently. The girls throw each other furtive glances, but do not elaborate on the topic any further. Much to the displeasedness of a sulky looking Marco Furey.

I risk a subtle side glance at Spencer and know at once that somethings wrong. Even though she doesn't seem confused at all by the fact that her mother is here, she seems kind of – _broken_.

Before Furey can proceed with any of his questions, I feel Spencer tug on my arm and she nods in the direction of the hallway. In her eyes I can see tears glistening. She tries to stay strong, to hold her tears at bay, but fails miserably. The sight of it breaks my heart. _She's the strongest woman I have ever met. If I contemplate the huge weight of all the burdens she had to carry on her shoulders so far, I highly admire the fact that she still manages to get up every morning, while looking simply perfect. I just wish I could take her pain away._

We enter a ready room and she locks the door behind us. I follow her to a small bed beside a window. She lies down and pats the empty spot next to her. After I settle myself down, she turns away from me and curls up into a ball, while silent tears stream down her face. She looks so small. I don't hesitate to hold her from behind and pull her little frame closer. She doesn't fight me, on the contrary, I can feel her tense body slightly relax against mine. In an attempt to comfort her, I slowly rub her arm and draw soothing circles on the bare skin of her delicate hand. Every now and then, I place a small kiss on her hair and whisper. "It's gonna be alright, Spence. I'm here."

The silence scares the shit out of me and old memories haunt me. _"Spencer you're scaring me. You wanted to talk, but you're not saying anything."_ However I know better than to pressure her into talking. She will tell me, when she's ready. We spend a long time lying there in complete silence and just as I think she has finally fallen asleep, she turns around in my arms.

* * *

 **Spencer POV**

I clear my throat and look up at him. "Toby? I think it is time for me to tell you the truth. About what happened tonight and all the things that lead there. I'm scared, because I know when you've heard it all, you'll probably never want to see me again. I can fully understand if you leave the room right afterwards, I have done some things I'm not proud of…. My whole life is a lie…. I- "

Before I can go on, Toby takes my face in his large calloused hands and gazes intently at me. "Spence, no matter what you've done, nothing, I repeat _absolutely_ _NOTHING,_ can keep me away from you. I know in the past, especially with me being a cop, it was hard, but I have learned from my mistakes. You can tell me anything! I won't tell anybody and I won't judge you, I promise."

"Well, keep that in mind…" I mumble.

"Hey, Toby-Wan Kenobi is here for you." He chuckles and tries to lighten the mood. I crack a small smile. Toby brushes his nose lovingly against mine and gives me a long kiss on my forehead. Then he lies down on his back again, opens his arms invitingly and offers me to lie down on his chest. We wrap our arms around each other and I let out a content sigh. _We fit perfectly together, like two puzzle pieces. He knows exactly what you need. You have to cherish this moment as long as you can, Spence. Despite of his words, soon you'll be alone again, maybe even in a cell in jail._

Listening to the soothing rhythm of his heartbeat - _Hang on, was it always that fast?_ -, I take a deep breath. "I don't quite know where to start, there are so many things… So I guess I'll just start with the night Archer Dunhill disappeared… Ali was locked up in Wellby and we already knew Archer was up to no good. We got a message with a link to a tracking device, we wanted to save her and Hanna was driving and then… " I swallow hard as I go on, while Toby strokes my back comfortingly. "We were in the woods and he- he came out of nowhere. Next thing I know, he was dead. His bloody face with wide opened eyes starred accusingly at us through the windshield of the car. After that all was a blur. We couldn't exactly call the police with our track record. Who would have believed us? So we buried the body and with the undesigned help of Mona, we made up a plan to cover up his murder. That evening I totally screwed up and I don't just mean my part in the cover-up. I was supposed to be at Radley's and I was emotionally really unstable… First I just poured out my heart in front of Emily. About Hannas and Calebs slip, the engagement and timing in love."

"Wait a sec. Caleb cheated on you?" Toby interrupts in disbelief.

"Yeah, the night Hanna was abducted. It was just a kiss. But it doesn't matter anyway. It's over and better this way."

"And with engagement you mean…" he wonders aloud, while stroking my hair. I just nod my head in agreement.

"I- I was just kind of shocked of the suddenness, the finality of it all. Perhaps even a little disappointed you didn't tell me yourself. And it's not that I wasn't happy for you, but I felt this like dull ache. Maybe I was frustrated, it wasn't me or sad because of the fact my relationship with Caleb was already ruined. Maybe I was scared I would never be so lucky, especially not with you. Maybe it was everything together." The words just spill out of my mouth without a filter and I let them. "Anyway, now that I am completely honest with you, I have to admit, it wasn't the first time I was jealous of _her_. Even A.D. knew it. I got a message shortly after I saw you with the ring in the first place. It said something like: He'll never put a ring on your finger."

I bite my lip and slowly peek up at him to check on his reaction. _Is he mad at me? Is he laughing at me for my foolishness and at the fact I still have feelings for him? No, he would never do that. He even kissed me a few minutes ago._ _But still, I remember a conversation we once shared… "_ _Why is it so easy to fall back into old habits?" - "They are hard to give up, that's what makes them habits."_

He has a pained look on his face and I'm not sure how to interpret it. But he surprises me with what he does next. He laces our hands together and guides them to his mouth. Then he places gentle kisses on my knuckles and rests our hands right above his heart. Almost as if he wants to apologize for making me feel bad and letting me doubt I wasn't good enough for him. _That's what you wish for, don't you? Get a grip._ However I do not dare to ask, instead I go on.

"Soo, I was sitting at the bar, on the one night I needed to stay focused and I ended up drunk, making out with a stranger in an elevator." Ashamed of myself, I make myself smaller. But Toby lifts my chin with his hand, so I have to make eye contact with him.

"Spence, it's okay. I know your family raised you with the impression you have to be flawless and perfect. And to me you are perfect, no matter what. Nevertheless everybody messes up from time to time. But it's okay to make mistakes. They make you human. You were confused and maybe you drank a little too much alcohol. However, you're not a slut. There's no reason whatsoever to beat yourself up for it. I don't judge you, so don't you judge yourself either."

He always speaks so higly of me and I don't quite understand why, I'm sure, I don't deserve it. "Well, thank you... but I was still with Caleb at that time…I cheated… And I bet you won't say the same thing, when you hear who the guy was" I avoid eye contact again. "I'm sorry…."

"First of all, Caleb cheated on you beforehand. I know, it doesn't justify anything but he did, period. And honestly, if I hadn't already punched him, I would probably do it now." I flush crimson at his sudden alpha-male urge to defend my honor and snuggle closer into his chest. _My safe place to land._ "Secondly, Spence, I was a cop. Don't you think I figured it out on my own yet? I knew since the day you showed up at the police station that it wasn't the first time you and Furey met. After you spent the evening with him at Radley's, he couldn't stop talking about a mysterious girl he scored at a bar. I just put two and two together and _I_ didn't come up with five." he chuckles and a dry laugh escapes my mouth. "In case I have to repeat myself, I know who you are Spencer, you never have to say you're sorry." Toby must have felt a few teardrops on his shirt, because he strokes my cheek and wipes them away with his thumb.

"And, for the record Spence, yes, I actually _am_ jealous of Furey. And I was of Caleb." He adds in an afterthought. He sighs heavily.

"Thank you for being honest to me. It means a lot to have at least someone to rely on in this particular department." Without thinking, I kiss him on the cheek to show my gratitude and appreciation. I try to hide my own blush, but recognize his face flushes red, too. H _e is so adorable right now._ And even though the circumstances of the kiss remind me of the words once said to Hanna "What happened to a good old thank-you card?" and of the embarrassing kiss on the cheek I gave Marco, I realize how different it feels to kiss Toby. _He's different than I thought he woud be. I love different. I love him._ I still feel a tingling sensation on my lips, as I settle back down.

* * *

 **Toby POV**

I'm sure my face is crimson, right now. With beet red cheeks, she shyly rests her head back on my chest again. _She's so damn cute._ Dreamily, I lift my hand to my own cheek. I still can feel the tingling sensation, where she kissed me. I close my eyes and press a long lingering kiss on her hairline, as the deeper meaning of what she said sinks in. And again my heart slowly breaks for her and I dread the moment, when I have to tell her the truth.

Her voice brings me back to reality. "Sooo, this was not my only mistake this evening…. I accidentally kind of told Marco, we buried a body this day. He thought I was just joking, but he might find out the truth in the end…"

Suddenly I sit up straight and face palm myself, as I put all the puzzle pieces together. "God, Spence and I was sooo incredibly stupid to set a whole team on Archers case. I'm so sorry! That's why you three looked so shocked, the evening I told you he was a fraud, wasn't it?"

She nods and squeezes my hand. "It's okay. You couldn't have known, Toby. We should have been honest with you. You just tried to help."

"Yeah, maybe, but I played right into A.D.'s cards." I really want to throw something right now. Instead I hug her and instantly feel all of the tension leaving my body. Then we settle back down.

"It just means you're in good company, that's all." She inhales deeply.

"What do you mean?" I frown.

"We thought Noel was A.D. and broke into his cabin. That's when we found the flashdrive…. Toby, he- he was there the whole time…in the dollhouse. All the sleepless nights I woke up, because I thought I was back in that hellhole, covered in blood….at that time, I-I thought I k-killed you down there…" I tighten my embrace to shield her from all the demons of her past, as she goes on, crying. "And it w-was all him. He covered me in f-fake blood." She sniffles and wipes away her tears. "I was watching those videos at home. I considered calling you, to hand it over to the police, but I knew I couldn't, _not anymore_. So I called Furey. After the power went out, somebody stole the flashdrive. It was gone." _Why didn't I make a copy? Have I learned nothing from A?_ I scold myself. "But it doesn't matter now. Hanna and Mona got it back and tonight we lost it again. Only this time we made a copy…."

"Is this why you got shot? Because of the flashdrive?"

* * *

 **Spencer POV**

"Funny thing, you ask. It's a hilarious story. They should make a film out of it. The house we met in tonight was actually right out of a horror movie. Here's a hint, it was an old school of the blind…" I chuckle darkly.

"JENNA? You got to be kidding me." Toby sits up abruptly. "So much to his words: "I don't know, how much of a threat a blind girl can be."" He mutters angrily under his breath. _Perhaps he feels mad at himself for leaving me and trusting Furey to protect me._

"Calm down, it's over." I say, rubbing his shoulder. Again, we lie down. "Yeah, Jenna had a gun. But there was another person, who shot me. I didn't quite recognize, who it was. But it definitely wasn't Noel, because he was already headless at that time." I feel Toby tense up in shock. "And to answer your question, I don't know how that happened, I just saw his head rolling down the stairs…It was damn scary. Like our own nightmare on Elm Street…." I say, trying to sound as nonchalantly as possible to avoid letting the actual meaning of my words to sink in. _Denial. The Hastings way to cope with drama. Even though I'm obviously not one... I know it's not good to bottle things up, but I just can't deal with this whole crap at the moment, I have enough on my plate, thank you very much._

Out of nowhere, I begin to laugh heartily as I think of Noels fate. At this, Toby merely furrows his brows and eyes me inquiringly. "I'm sorry! It just looked so comical, as Jenna kicked his head accidentally and almost slipped on it's bloodtrail. And then I thought of how he can participate in the headless hunt now." My laughter dies down and I take a deep breath. _Wonderful. Toby probably thinks I'm a basket case right now. But maybe the nut house is were I belong. After all, I was born in one.  
_

* * *

 **Toby POV**

 _Poor Spencer. She has been on an emotional roller coaster those past 24 hours. And stiil she acts so incredibly strong. Leave it to a Hastings to make jokes about traumatic events like seeing a dead body. Or parts of it. Actually it is kind of funny to picture Noel headless, especially because of all the things he has done to the girls._ Absent-mindedly I play with the tips of her chestnut hair and plant a kiss on her temple. After a few minutes of comfortable silence, I pipe up. "I'm sooo sorry you had to go through all of this. I should _never_ have left you. I'm so stupid…. I thought…" I apologize, feeling guilty. She seems to pick up on the double meaning of my words. Nevertheless I have to tell her the whole truth. And she needs to know that she's not my second choice.

"Hey, it's okay, you are here now." This statement only prompts me to hold her tighter. "And why are you stupid?"

I hesitate before I answer, but I know it's time to get my act together. "When I tell you, you might hate me, but I guess, I have to…."

* * *

 **...to be continued.**

 **A Spoby kiss on Spoby's anniversary was far too tempting. :D**

 **If you enjoyed reading this chapter, you're welcome to leave a review. The same goes for requests and tips :)**


	6. Chapter 6

**Hey guys! :)**

 **Sorry, it took me so long to update, but I was so caught up in work and I didn't have much time to write. I'm not really content with this chapter, sometimes I'm just at a loss for words, as English is not my first language. Whatever...**

 **If you like it, you're very welcome to review.**

 **So here we go again. Enjoy! :)**

* * *

 **Toby POV**

Spencer lifts her head and locks her eyes with mine, while reaching out for my cheek with her hand. She strokes it softly and I feel a tingling sensation where the creamy skin of her long fingers touches me. "I could _never ever_ really hate you, you know that right? I tried so many times, but obviously it doesn't work.", she chuckles gently, a small smile playing on her lips. Withdrawing her hand from my face, she rests her beautiful head on my chest again. "Well, at least if you don't take the time into account where I thought you killed Ali…", she adds taking my hand and squeezing it apologetically, like she'd done once before.

 _She says that now…_ I gulp involuntarily. _Here goes nothing._

"Look, I better start at the beginning… After our break up, I was devastated. It was like my heart just stopped beating. I felt so hollow, losing the best thing that ever happened to me in my entire life."

I pause as I hear her angelic raspy voice interrupting me barely above a whisper: "Yeah, I know, I felt _exactly_ the same…"

"For a long time I merely existed. Finally, I began to adapt the blueprints of the house, which I started drafting for you a long time ago, while I was still getting my GED. I never gave up hope that you'd come back to me some day."

Then I met Yvonne and in some ways she was just like you. However, she wasn't a rebound, at least that's what I convinced myself of. It felt different to be with her. It was not the electrifying love you and I shared. Still, it was more than I felt since our break-up. I guess, I fell in love again. And then she wanted to settle down and start a family. So I toyed with the idea of proposing. But the moment I saw you again after all these years, I realized that I had still feelings for you. Although, I couldn't even admit it to myself at that particular time.", I sighed.

"I was so confused and hurt when I heard you and Caleb were a thing…. I thought you'd moved on and you deserved so much better than me anyways. Besides, honestly, I was confident I'd moved on too.

Nevertheless, I really didn't mean to propose to Yvonne after we found Hanna. It was rushed and a cowards way of avoiding another conflict with her, actually. She asked me to choose and I knew it wasn't right. Not since my feelings for you seemed to resurface. But I believed you were happy with Caleb and I guess I wanted to be happy too.

Moreover I was frustrated, because at that day I got a text…a text from a blocked number telling me, you were always way out of my league and you would _never ever_ consider to marry a pathetic smalltown cop like me."

"Hang on, you got a text from A.D., too? And you didn't tell us? Toobyy! Wha- why?" Spencer utters shocked.

I nod and proceed. "Yeah, I'm sorry, I -I was kind of embarrassed to tell you, sooo…. And you didn't report about the ring-message either…", I try to defend myself sheepishly. "I got the first message the night Mary Drake brought Hanna back. And I don't know. Yvonne was pissed because of the election night and I was just so devastated as I it dawned to me that I lost you for good. All my dreams of a future together with you came crashing down and I just couldn't lose Yvonne too. God, I'm such a horrible and selfish person. I shouldn't have asked her to marry me in the first place. I tried really hard to convince myself of the fact that she is my first choice. And for a short period of time, when you were still in D.C., it worked quite well. After all, I did kind of love her. But she never really was my number one. It was always _you_." I explain guiltily.

Typical for Spencer, she doesn't react to the quite obvious love declaration written in between the lines at the end of my narration. Instead she asks another question, her tenacity never wavering. _God, I love her more than anything._ "Wait, you said it was the first message. A.D. sent you more than one?"

"Well, you remember the night, I told you I was building the house for you?", I answer and feel her instantly tense in my arms.

"Oh, you mean, the night where you crushed my heart into a zillion pieces?" she replies sarcastically. "You know, your statement gave me hope. And then you continued and said you can't imagine a life without Yvonne. Naaah, I don't think I can remember one of the most wonderful moments in my life…" She continued in a bitter voice. Every syllable feels like acid in the wounds of my broken heart. All of sudden I feel moisture on my cheeks.

"God, I'm _so_ sorry Spence. I didn't mean to hurt you. And I know I did nonetheless." I swallow the lump in my throat. As I look down at her, she has tears in her eyes, too. It hurts so damn much to see her suffer, especially when I'm the reason for her sorrow. I wipe her tears gently away, while pulling her with the other arm more tightly into my chest in order to console her. Placing a small kiss on her hairline, I decide it's better to get it over with.

"Before I went to see you, I received a text from A.D. threatening your life. It said, if I didn't harm your heart emotionally and leave with Yvonne, your heart will be harmed physically… _Goddammit_ , I was just trying to keep you safe. Still I did the complete opposite _AGAIN_ … It really wasn't my intention to hurt you, even though A.D. wanted me to. _That's why_ I wanted you to know the house was yours. _That's why_ I told you, a life with Yvonne is as perfect as it get's for me, as long as I can't have a perfect life with _you_. To see the pained look on your face almost made me reconsider my decision of leaving. After all, I promised you not to leave you alone a long time ago. And maybe a really huge and selfish part of me hoped you would stop me from leaving. I tried to outsmart A.D., but my plan backfired. I shattered your heart and A.D. shot you anyways." Feeling ashamed and disgusted with myself I cover my puffy, red rimmed eyes with my hand.

"You know, it was hard to hear you say those things in the first place, because no matter how well you meant, sending you away in order to keep you safe was a hard enough thing for me to do. And those words about the house and that you chose _her_ in the end, it was like salt in my unhealed wounds. It was like losing you all over again. But you know what's worst? It's not the rejection, because I have been there, it's the fact that you told me beforehand, you'd be honest with me.", she snaps with increasing anger. "But obviously it's okay to treat me like that, because everybody does it. And guess what, I've had enough of it. For god's sake, why can't everyone just leave me alone once and for all" Spencer continues and moves away from me defeated.

She leaves as much space as possible between us on the small bed. Turning to the other side, she curls her small fragile body into a tiny ball. I watch her staring blankly out of the window into the fading night, while tears run down her face. For the third time this night, my heart breaks for her. She's broken and this time it is all my fault. _I'm a failure. A disappointment._ And I probably just lost her. _Forever._

* * *

 **Spencer POV**

My anger is getting the best of me and I lash out at Toby. I try to process, what he previously confessed to me. It's just too much at the moment, so I break down and curl up as far away from him as possible. I know, I shouldn't treat him like this. He meant well. He wanted to protect me and yes, he failed. But so did I. We were both in the hospital right now.

I guess this situation would not take such a toll on me, if I hadn't found out that my parents were lying to me the whole time. Toby was probably mad at me now, because I rejected him, despite his avowal that I'm his first choice, which _of course_ didn't go unnoticed by me. _Why do I always push the people away that I love the most?_

Presumably I lost Toby for good this time. He beats himself up for his actions enough without me using him as my personal punching ball additionally.

I'm emotionally exhausted and drained. As much as I want to be in his secure hold at the moment, I can't move. I'm paralyzed. Trapped in my own body and mind. It feels like I'm back at Radley. And he is my only cure for sanity. Yet, it is impossible to reach him.

Suddenly, I feel the weight on the mattress shift and Toby scoots cautiously closer to me. I don't exactly welcome him, but I don't send him away either. In fact I just lie there motionless while tears stream down my face in a seemingly endless river of my jumbled emotions.

He carefully scoops me up in his arms in a feeble attempt to shield me from the demons that haunt me in my mind. My body instantly relaxes against him. It is then, I realize I cling to him like a baby koala holding on for dear live. He rocks me like a small child, while whispering apologies and encouraging things like "I'm here babe and I promise, I won't leave." or "Everything will be alright." in my hair. His soothing voice calms me down and as a matter of fact, when Toby says something, you just have to believe it's true.

Every now and then, he kisses my forehead gently. I don't understand how he does it, but he just knows exactly what I need. It was always a trait I loved about him. _It still is._ I burry my head deeper in the crook of his neck and take in his familiar scent. After all this time, I finally feel at home.

I have to cherish this feeling as long as I can. He is still my safe place to land. Maybe that's why I blurt it out, or should I better say drop the bombshell, without a warning.

"Mary Drake is my mother."

Toby freezes in his actions and draws away from me in order to search for my eyes. "Mary Drake is- is wh-what?", he asks, looking puzzled.

"She's my birth mother. So my whole life is basically a lie. All those times I tried to please my parents, to compare to Melissa… It's _unfreakingbelievable_ …And then again, I always felt they were hiding something… but this? I'm related to Charlotte. I was born in a nuthouse, for crying out loud! So you better watch out and stay away from me.", I state dryly.

Feeling embarrassed, I dodge his glance and try to get out of his hold. _Did I just say that out loud? I guess I did._ He catches me completely off guard, when he pulls me in a bone crushing bear hug instead, so I'm straddling him now.

"I'm _so_ sorry, Spence. You certainly did not deserve to be lied to. And I couldn't care less, even if you were raised in Radley. You're still you."

"Air, please…choking….hard to breath…", I manage to get out.

"Oh, I'm sorry!", he apologizes genuinely and releases me a little bit. "How are you feeling now? Are you okay?", he gives me a concerned look.

"Just peachy." I reply sarcastically, while I try to hide my tears. However, I can't fool him. He shoots me a knowing glance accompanied with a comforting smile. He cups my face gently and kisses away my tears. I'm overwhelmed by his gesture and just close my eyes, savouring his soft touch. He leaves a trail of heat with his lips on my face and the butterflies in my stomach go crazy. Then it hits me. _What exactly is this?_ I open my eyes, determined to ask the one question, but terrified to get an answer at the same time.

"Toby? Is there a reason, why you are so affectionate today?" _Oh god, I did it._ And my face flushes crimson.

"Come on, you're Spencer. Figure it out!" Toby avoids to give me a direct answer. But I simply glare at him.

He sighs. "Well, isn't it obvious, Spence? I-I'm madly and irrevocably in love with you. And honestly, I don't think I ever stopped loving you in the first place."

 _He loves me._ My breath hitches and I can't believe my ears. His words render me speechless and I can't help but stare mesmerized into the hues of blue peering lovingly back at me.

* * *

 **Toby POV**

 _Breathe, Toby! Now it's out._ I told her and I can't take it back. And I wouldn't have it any other way. Because she needs to know. Even though she might not feel as strongly for me, as I do for her.

I'm perfectly aware of the fact that it's totally inappropriate to confess my never dying love to her right now, when I was engaged to another woman merely a few hours ago. When she will be back in D.C. in no time and I still want to start a family and she doesn't. And when I don't understand what's going on here, either. _I mean, are we dead or is it only a dream?_ I choose to ignore those nagging thoughts for now and drown in her beautiful pools of coffee instead, waiting for any kind of reaction.

Her mouth turns into an amused half smile and she giggles softly. For a brief moment my heart sinks. _Is she laughing at me?_ However she cups my face with her hands and dissolves my worries by saying: "You know, I wanted to say that first."

Relief washes over me and I'm smiling big time at the memory of listening to her angelic voice telling me those exact words in front of the truck she had bought for me. Unconsciously, my right hand travels to the back of her neck in order to pull her closer.

It's really hard to tell who leans in first, but soon my lips brush over hers ever so slightly. My right hand is buried in her brown, straightened hair, while the other one wanders up and down her back. I feel a tingling sensation in my stomach as her tongue grazes my lower lip, asking for permission to enter. I gladly comply with her wish and open my mouth, so she can slip her tongue in. A soft moan escapes her mouth. As she tugs on my hair with her left hand, I let out a small involuntary groan. She starts to remove my open shirt, which I wore casually over my T-Shirt. I shrug it off and throw it on the ground, while we continue to kiss passionately. _She drives me insane. But I have to stop this. She's vulnerable right now and I would never take advantage of her._

Before our little make-out session turns more heated, I slow down. I plant a few small final kisses on her soft lips and nudge her nose affectionately with mine, never loosing eye contact. We rest our foreheads against one another, just enjoying the blissful moment.

After a while Spencer tries very unsuccessfully to stifle a yawn. I chuckle at her cuteness and decide it's time for bed. "Let's go get some rest, Spence. It was long day, babe."

"Yeah, you're probably right, Tobes."

Spencer, climbs swiftly out of my lap and I instantly feel cold at the loss of contact. I take off my T-Shirt and give it to her.

She's frozen on the spot. It's been years and she still looks at my abs in awe. Spencer finally snaps out of her trance and gives me a kiss on the cheek. "You still know, how to make a girl swoon, Cavanaugh, don't you? Thanks for the Shirt by the way." With that she winks at me, turns around to change. I try not to stare like a hormonal teenager, so I strip further down to my boxers and get into bed.

Soon, we both lie down, our limbs entangled as I spoon her from behind. I nuzzle my head into her neck and inhale her intoxicating scent, while pulling her closer. Hands intertwined like the night we runited at the motel all those years ago. _God, how have I missed cuddling up to her._

"Sweet dreams, beautiful, I love you.", I whisper in her ear.

"Sleep tight, handsome, I love you too.", she mumbles contently.

Almost instantly, Spencer drifts into a deep, peaceful slumber. It's no wonder, she must be exhausted after all that has happened today. Finally feeling at home again, it doesn't take me long to fall asleep soon after her.

I wake up as I feel the rays of sunshine peering through the ready room window on my skin. Eyes still closed, I remember what occurred yesterday, just before I drifted off to sleep. At once a smile emerges on my face and I try to tighten the embrace on Spencer. That's when I realize, the space next to me on the bed is cold and empty. My eyes shoot open and panic overcomes me. Frantically my eyes scan the ready room for her, but to no avail. _Fuck! She's gone!_

* * *

 **Thanks for reading and don't forget to review, if you like the story! ;-)**


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